I’m not ok and I haven’t been for a long time. It has taken me years to realise it. I haven’t told anyone this, in fact the first time that I honestly admitted it to myself was only a week before writing it all down!
I have been living in a fog. Playing with my children but not truly engaging. Talking with friends but not truly participating. Spending time with family but not truly being there. Life has been going on around me but I’ve not truly been a part of it. I’ve not been unhappy per se, it’s more that I haven’t really had emotions. Everything has been dulled as if hidden behind a veil. There is a constant headache and life can seem as if it is happening in slow motion. Some days it is all I can do to get myself and the children ready and fed whilst other days are fairly normal but there is always this fog. That is the only way I can describe it really. A fog. Sometimes thick and sometimes misty but always there, surrounding me.
The fact that it has taken me years to realise all of this is perhaps unbelievable for some. I suppose that I knew something wasn’t right at first (or maybe I didn’t, I can’t remember) but it just became normal. It was how things were and I just got on with it. I learnt to cope and put on a smile and act how I should act in social situations. It is my life and I just carried on.
Realising that how I am feeling isn’t normal has come about slowly. To be honest I’m not sure when I first started to realise or why but it has slowly become clearer. Things are improving now that I know. I can stop blaming myself on the bad days and really make the most of the good days. I can finally see some light at the end of the tunnel, some sunshine after the storm.
I’m not ok but I will be!