Birth – my story


Last night I had a nightmare. I dreamt about baby boy being born and it was so vivid it felt like I was there all over again. I didn’t have the best birth and although the outcome was good, I don’t think that I have gotten over the process yet.

Now before I begin I would like to say, if you are pregnant or planning to be in the near future then stop reading now! Turn off your laptop, tablet or phone and run for the hills (only until tomorrow’s post that is).

Baby boy was born 3 days past his due date. The day before he was born I had a routine midwife appointment. My blood pressure was a little high (only a tiny bit) and my midwife decided to send me to triage to be checked out. She assured me that she wasn’t worried but it was procedure so she had to send me just to be safe. Mr K and I made our way over to the hospital, after calling at the supermarket for a spot of lunch for Mr K, and proceeded to sit through numerous tests. We sat in a tiny room for what seemed like a lifetime (it was actually only a few hours). My blood pressure had come back down to normal and once the blood test results were back I was convinced that we were going to be sent home. Whilst we were waiting for the results I was taken for a scan. It was quite exciting to see my little baby again. I hadn’t expected to have another scan and I wondered if the picture on the screen would really be what my baby would look like when it decided to make an appearance. The scan was good and we were asked to sit in the waiting area until the blood test results came back. We waited and waited and waited! Based on that experience I am seriously considering raising money for new chairs or cushions at the very least! Eventually we were called through and the midwife talked us through the results. Everything was fine. Then came the ‘but’. It turned out that baby boy had stopped growing and was a tad on the small side. I was to return the following day to be induced. NOOOO!

We were warned that being induced was a long process. It would likely take days and so we made sure that we were ready. We went to the supermarket and stocked up on goodies for Mr K, we downloaded films and tv programs onto tablets ready for the long hours of waiting and we made sure we had all manner of chargers to keep batteries topped up. We were ready!

When we arrived at the hospital the next morning it was all a bit of an anti climax to be honest. Because baby boy was expected to be quite small they wanted to ensure there was a space in the special care unit but they were close to capacity. It was looking like we would be going home. Before we could go home though they took me down for a final scan and it’s a good job they did. All of the fluid around baby boy had disappeared! Don’t ask me where it went because I honestly couldn’t tell you. There had been no gush or even trickle as far as I knew! It was back to plan A though and I was given a pessary to start the induction.

An hour later I was in serious discomfort. Please bear in mind that this process was supposed to take a few days and so when it started to hurt like hell after 2 hours I was a tad concerned. I tried watching tv to take my mind off the pain and bouncing on a birthing ball but nothing worked. I was starting to think that if I couldn’t cope now then I would never make it to full blown labour! After roughly 3 hours I felt, and heard, a loud pop in my back. Then the pain intensified! A midwife popped her head around the curtain to check on us. I was busy concentrating on trying not to scream blue murder so I wasn’t overly aware of what was happening but Mr K says that she took a quick look at the monitor, her face went white and she ran out shouting for another midwife. A minute later she was back accompanied by 3 doctors. It is all a little hazy from here on. I remember the doctors telling me to lie on my back and then telling me that I had to have a cesarean section. They started running down the corridor with the trolley, taking my clothes off on the way, and when we arrived in theatre they explained that there was no time for an epidural, I would have to have a general anaesthetic. The last thing I remember is someone pressing down on my throat to help me pass out.

I woke up to bright lights. Mr K was there and I was asked if I would like to meet my son. I had a son! I couldn’t quite believe it. It was surreal! I was still groggy and to be honest I just wanted to sleep. Baby boy was 5lb 15oz. Small but not too small and he was perfectly healthy.

The next day it was explained to me that my placenta had started to detach and that baby boy was extremely distressed. I don’t know if it was a result of the induction or if it would have happened anyway but I was lucky to be in hospital when it did.

It wasn’t the birth that I had planned. There was no relaxing music or warm bath. No soft lighting or calm atmosphere. Instead I was asleep for the majority of the process. I feel robbed to be honest. Robbed of the perfect birth that was sold to me during the antenatal classes and in the pregnancy books. I am so grateful that baby boy was delivered safely but I can’t think about that day without still feeling slightly sad and a tiny bit bitter. I know that will fade with time but until then I try not to think about it too much.

Did you have the birth you expected?

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Your baby is placed in your arms after a tiring yet fulfilling labour, you look into their eyes and you are flooded with a rush of emotion. You are instantly bonded to this tiny bundle. Happens to everyone! Right? Not for me!

I was woken up from a general anaesthetic and my beautiful baby boy was handed to me yet all I felt was numb and groggy. The last I remembered I was pregnant and all of a sudden I had a very real baby in my arms. There was no labour or natural delivery, just go to sleep, wake up and ta dah here’s your baby!

We stayed in hospital for 3 days during which I picked up a sickness bug and just felt generally ill. The pain from the emergency c-section was worse than I had imagined it would be and the nights when Mr K had to leave us were awful. When I was told that I could go home if I wanted to I leapt at the chance.

It was when we got home and were together as a family that I began to see things clearly. I loved my son but I didn’t feel particularly bonded with him. I felt terrible at this realisation! I must be the worse mother in the world! What could I do to change this? Obviously I googled it! The results that came up were actually very comforting. I found that it was perfectly natural to feel this way. I mean, I was only just getting to know this new person so naturally it might take a bit of time before we completely gelled. I took things a day at a time and when my son was about 6 weeks old I had a eurika moment! This was my son and he was mine!

For some people that magical moment happens straight away but for others it may take some time. There is nothing wrong with that!

How did it happen for you?

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