Not in the least bit ready

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Just look at those faces. Those sweet, adorable, butter wouldn’t melt faces. Those drive me crazy, make me want to tear my hair out yet I love them unconditionally faces. Now tell me how I am supposed to leave them for up to 9 hours a day.

My maternity allowance runs out in just over a months time and I am faced with the unenviable task of finding a job. I don’t want to find a job. I want nothing less. And before anyone starts to moan at me and tell me that I’m lazy and a scrounger, it’s not that I don’t want to work per se, I just don’t want to leave my children. The thought of leaving them is tearing me up inside and some days I feel physically sick. I look at my children and despite some days just wishing that the Goblin King would come and whisk them away (it would have to be the David Bowie version obviously), the thought of leaving them in a stranger’s care is eating away at me.

I didn’t feel this way when I returned to work when baby boy was only 9 months old. In fact it felt like a sort of relief to leave the house, converse with other adults and have a bit of ‘me’ time. This time is different however. It’s the polar opposite! I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do it. Everyday I tell myself that I need to start looking for a job and everyday I procrastinate and put it off until tomorrow.

I don’t know if it’s because baby girl just seems so little still or if it’s because I am just so used to the 3 of us being wrapped up in our little bubble everyday (4 of us at weekends). I detest the idea of having to pay for somebody to look after my children for me. I imagine all of the things that I am going to miss. All of the firsts. What if baby girl takes her first steps or says her first words for somebody other than me. What if I miss baby boy recognising his numbers or pedalling a trike for the first time.

Baby girl has started to eat food now and we are still getting to grips with her allergies (cows milk protein being the main one). The thought of her being looked after by someone who doesn’t know her and her accidentally eating something that she shouldn’t frightens me to death. I run through scenarios in my head of all of the things that could go wrong. I know that it is ridiculous and that nurseries and childminders have procedures in place to protect against such incidents but I just can’t stop my mind from over-thinking.

The problem is though is that I have no choice. Whether I am ready or not, my money will soon run out and I will need to go to work. We have bills to pay and food to put on the table and the deadline is looming.

Oh what I would give to just be financially comfortable enough to stay at home and raise my children myself.

 

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Outdoor living


So we’ve had an early summer this year which can only mean one thing – playing outside! It’s amazing how a little warm weather can make all the difference to a day and ever since the sun has been out we’ve been spending the majority of our time doing outdoor activities.

A lot of the time we have just played in the garden. We had a new patio laid in an attempt to not only make the garden look nice but to avoid an inevitable serious injury that the uneven, stony ground was going to cause. Next to the patio I put some bark chippings and a playhouse and an old plastic toy kitchen. It is here that baby boy now spends the majority of his day. I drink endless cups of tea and eat plates of cake, all of the plastic variety, thoughtfully made by my 2 year old. It’s great fun.

The park is another favourite place at the moment. If I had to guess I would say that 60% of time there is spent on the swings, 30% on the slide and 10% on everything else. For a 2 year old, swings rule! For a Mummy, swings mean aching arms and getting kicked repeatedly when she misjudges the push. Baby boy loves them though so I give in to his cries of again, again because the look on his face and the laugh that escapes as he flies higher gives me the best feeling in the world.


It is tiring work playing outside though. Baby boy stopped having an afternoon nap shortly after baby girl was born but these past few weeks he has quite often fallen asleep for half an hour in the middle of playing. When it coincides with baby girl having a nap I feel like it’s my birthday and Christmas rolled into one (although they are actually only 3 days apart so at the time do feel like they are rolled into one). I actually got 2 fence panels painted yesterday!

Hopefully the summer has only just begun and we will have plenty of time outside. I am looking forward to baby girl learning to crawl on the grass, baby boy splashing in the paddling pool and hope against hope … A BBQ!

What are your favourite outdoor activities?