I’m about to say something very shocking. You may not like it or understand it and may not even believe me. It is completely against our cultural, and perhaps even moral, norm. Here goes … I’m not excited to be having a baby! 

There you go. Shocking isn’t it. The thing is I’m not even sure how normal it is to feel this way. A quick google search came up with lots of people asking questions on forums about not being excited to find out they were pregnant but I couldn’t find anything about it this late on. Not knowing if this is a perfectly acceptable feeling somehow makes it worse. It’s like I’m already setting myself up to fail.

I suppose it doesn’t help that nothing is really ready for this baby. The nursery has 1 coat of paint on some but not all walls and so is nowhere near ready. The cot is stored safely away in my mum’s loft and still needs a new mattress which can’t be bought until I know the measurements of said cot (apparently there is standard and continental). The hospital bags haven’t even been thought about despite numerous people “suggesting” that they should be packed and ready by now! 

The worst thing though is that I don’t even know how I will be giving birth. I know that no one really does know as things don’t always go to plan (as I found out last time) but I can’t even prepare myself for what I want to happen. Everything depends on future growth scans and meetings with consultants etc. Will it be natural? Will it be a c section? Will I be able to stay at home? Will I have to go straight into hospital? It feels very unnerving to have no idea!

Articles on the Internet suggest that Mr K and I talk, sing and read to the baby. I’ve tried but don’t really get any satisfaction from doing it. Mr K just laughs when I suggest that he tries. He has even refused pretty much every offer to feel the baby move that I have made. I’m not sure that he is excited this time either.

I know that I will love the baby when they arrive but the lack of excitement now is quite frankly scary. Maybe struging to bond with baby boy has impacted this time around. Whatever the reason I hope that some sort of enthusiasm kicks in soon.

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